HIJACKED: A Husband's Confession...

In the daily panic of kids, work, and responsibility it’s not often that I find the time to quietly reflect on the macro of this existence.  So it was a welcome diversion when, on a recent, solo drive through an expansive cellular black hole, that I found myself reduced to my thoughts and a long string of random music on my iPod.  As I rolled through various songs, I found a union of music and emotion.  I reflected on life and the curve ball that had been thrown at my family.  I felt such a strong sense of gratitude for all that I’d been given, a greater love for my wife, and a deeper appreciation for friends and family.  I’m so proud of how Alyson has approached this challenge.  I’ve always known her to be a strong person but my love and respect for her has grown through this experience.   As I continued to drive, the lyrics resonated even more…

“But I’ve got all I want when it comes to loving you.  You’re my only reason, you’re my only truth.  I need you like water, like breath, like rain.  I need you like mercy from heaven’s gate.  There’s a freedom in your arms that carries me though.  I need you.” (Leann Rimes)

I love Alyson more than I could ever express in a blog, but at the risk of going full “Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch”, I’m going to take a crack at explaining what makes her so special and why I consider myself so blessed.

Probably the best place to start is the beginning…well, at least the beginning for us.  I met Alyson for the first time in January of 1992.  I had recently returned from an LDS mission in Brazil.  She had just sent a missionary to Atlanta, Georgia.  We were clearly on different paths.  I was on the hunt, she was headed for emotional unavailability.  I’ll never forget the first time I saw her.  It was at church, of all places.  Since most BYU wards meet on campus, I was sitting in the back of a lecture hall in the Smith Family Living Center as sacrament meeting ended.  As I watched the crowd funnel out, my breath was immediately taken away when I saw her.  She was wearing a modest, loose fitting dress and her blond hair glistened with an overabundance of hairspray.  Her teased-up bangs were the envy of every girl in the room.  It was hard to recognize the emotion at the time but looking back this clearly was love at first sight. 

  

Knowing that she was not looking for a serious relationship, I quickly surmised that my path to this girl’s heart would be a long and arduous journey.  Persistence has always been one of my strong suits (and, ok, weaknesses as well) so I was up to the task.  We became great friends that semester and learned that we had lots in common… both second children, same cultural upbringing, an ability to find humor in almost any situation.  That summer we both returned to our childhood homes in Pasadena and Huntington Beach.  Although 45 minutes apart, I was more than willing to drive the distance three, four and five times a week for us to be together.  We had created a platonic relationship that has continued to grow even after 19 years of marriage.  We really enjoy, and always have, just being together.  I love this about us.

It took me a little longer than expected to convince Alyson that I was more than a great friend.   I used all the tools at my disposal… a Paula Abdul concert, a grunion run, a horseback ride, dinner dates, even an invitation to a family trip to Palm Springs.  Alyson was quickly accepted by my family…especially my three younger sisters.  I loved watching them together.  They are today, along with my wonderful sister in law, Jennifer, great friends.  I immediately loved Alyson’s family as well.  Her mother, Judy, did a tremendous job raising Alyson and her 3 siblings.  As a young girl, Alyson was into dance, soccer, and had a terrific circle of friends.  In high school, although she was the homecoming and prom queen, she never liked the spotlight and still doesn’t.  She was the girl that always made sure everyone was included and often spent time helping the special needs kids at the school.  You see, one of the greatest things about Alyson is that our imperfections, insecurities, and shortcomings are lost on her.  She truly doesn’t see them.  She seeks the good in others, gives the benefit of the doubt, doesn’t judge, and tries to help everyone fit in.  She has a compassion that is truly Christ-like.  She’s a great example to me in this way.  I love her!!!

Easy Tom…Ok, stepping down off the couch, lowering arms to waist level, getting back on track…

Finally, after some strong-arm tactics we were married in May 1994 (Friday the 13^th actually).

We finished school, graduated on the same day and moved to Salt Lake where I began a career in computer software.  The past 19 years have brought great blessings.  Our four children adore their mother.  As I’d hoped, they’ve all taken a maternal path in appearance and intelligence.  We’ve enjoyed growing together as a family.  A great article was written on parenting a while back and I share the author’s thoughts… Some of our most vivid family memories are from on the road: a midnight swim in Lake Powell, a horseback ride through the rainforest in Costa Rica.  Sure, in part they stand out just because they are exceptions to the dailiness of our Sandy, Utah routine, and we see new places.  But for me, the appeal of traveling as a team isn’t that it’s broadening.  It’s the opposite- sweetly narrowing.  Somehow after a day in the car, with all of us cuddled in two beds at $39.95-a-night anonymity of motel America, watching some corny movie and eating pizza, we feel bound, not merely by DNA or circumstance but also by the memories we’ve made together.  This has been the tone of our family for the past 19 years.  This is what has made life fulfilling.  Sure, we have our fair share of challenges… we have two teenagers, for heaven’s sake.  I can’t begin to imagine what life will be like when we have three… and they’re all girls, (deep breath) but I’m not concerned because Alyson brings a calm and comfort to our family that makes any challenge seem trivial.  She is a leader by example.  Classy and elegant in how she comports herself and tender and sweet in her relationships.  She’s humble and charitable and always willing to do more than her fair share.

 

Since that first encounter, I’ve been continuously mesmerized by Alyson’s external beauty.  As she’s grown older, I’ve been amazed at how she’s aged with such perfection.  I honestly think she’s prettier at 40 than she was at 20.  There are still times that she takes my breath away.  Just the other day, I was waiting for her outside of our church building.  For those that know Aly, you know that she’s always late.  I’ve spent countless hours in cars, malls, and at home waiting for this woman (a blog for another day).  So she’s in talking to someone at the Church, probably planning an activity for the youth, and I’m starting to heat up a little.  After about 10 minutes, she comes jogging out with a huge “don’t be mad at me” grin on her face.  I’m not sure if it was the light, the circumstance or something otherworldly but she had a glow about her that made my heart leap.  I told her to stop and took a picture on my phone (see below).  This happens frequently and I’ve made a point of taking a picture so that I can remember the moments.  

Life in Utah is not easy for this California girl.  The warm sun and beach-life beckon her back to warmer climes, but the quality of life and family environment keep us in Utah.  It’s not easy for her though.  November through March is spent in varying degrees of frostbite.  Alyson is a night owl and can be found up late on most nights working on a home project, preparing a lesson…essentially making life better for everyone around her.  On most winter nights, she comes to bed long after I’ve gone to sleep and will cuddle up behind me.  Her body feels like ice in human form as it sucks every ounce of warmth that I’ve generated over the past couple of hours, but I never complain.  In fact, I love it.  I love providing for this woman.  I always have.  So much of my happiness is generated by giving back a fraction of the happiness that she has brought to me and our children. 

Life is never perfect.  Radiation treatment has been difficult, but Alyson is a fighter.  For this, I know that we’ll get through it and life will continue as it always has.  She’s tough as nails and nothing holds her down for long.  To help confront this battle, I’ve come armed with one of my greatest assets (which happens to come from my mother)…an eternal optimism.  The ability to see the good in any situation.  Admittedly, there’s a weakness to this trait.  Sometimes optimists have a hard time seeing reality.  Alyson is more of a realist.  I joke with her that she sometimes only sees the cup half empty.  It’s a fun topic for us to discuss and we’ve conceded that we’re both right…most of the time.  J  This perspective is evidenced in the title of her blog…”It Could be Worse.”  My title would read more like “What a Great Opportunity to Grow and Learn More About Myself in this Beautiful World Where Everything is Wonderful….etc, etc.”  But this blog belongs to Alyson, and it’s her way of seeing the world.  So, I’ll concede to her perspective and say that it truly could be worse.

But…

I can promise you, the next time she comes to bed on a cold night at two o’clock in the morning and I awake to the Himalayan Yeti in my bed, the only thought that will be running through my mind will be…how could it get any better.

Happy Mother’s Day and Happy 19^th Anniversary, Hon.  I love you more than you’ll ever know.

-Steve